Since I’ve been writing a bevy of serious posts lately filled with numbers, philosophy and the like, I thought I’d take some time to dial it back a bit and address a more critical question facing all spectrum of players. It’s a question we ask as we try to find a place for ourselves in the World (of Warcraft), as we ponder what color of Mohawk is “just right”, and juggle challenges like the personal philosophical impacts of the transition from kilt to leggings to kilt again. It’s a question I ask every day as I spend hours staring at the back of a 7’ blue festooned Amazon—who am I?
Thankfully, in order to make things easier on those of us suffering from a virtual identity crisis, Blizzard offers us the Statistics section. Launched back with the release of 3.0.2, these statistics have been compiling (some questionably, others with apparent abandon), over the course of years, tracking our accomplishments and failures. So what does my statistics page say about me?
Talent Tree Respecs: 8
- Conclusion: Oof, this is a bad start. More reason to believe that I am an unadventurous stick-in-the-mud. Erm … I mean … *ahem* WOW Blizz, GG on unexciting talent trees. Sheesh! >_>
Healthstones Used: 1048
- Conclusion: Healers use healthstones more often than dps? Possibly because we know the value of a free heal, even more so if that healer happens to be a shaman or paladin with our whopping -1- instant-cast.
Food Eaten: 8220
- Conclusion: *mrrrfphlggrrh* In contrast to twiggy belfs or carry-on size gnomes, my tauren sisters and I are at the other end of the spectrum from dainty. Obviously, I’ve got a sweet tooth for mana; I sit down to eat and drink every chance I get. Ooooh, is that a ho-ho?
Legendary Items Acquired: 1
- Conclusion: I still like shiny things. Would that I could claim this was a Val’anyr, but sadly after having passed (quite literally, lol) on the chance to pick one up, the only legendary I’ll ever have in my bags is the Hand of Ragnaros. (Technically, I don’t even have that yet as it seems I’m one of the only people running Molten Core on a weekly basis and thus Sulfiron Ignots are bloody rare! Oh no, they’re bloody *legendary! /rimshot >.<) Incidentally, once I do get my flaming hammer, I think I’ll feel obliged to leap around Orgrimmar in my T8 singing Oxhorn’s “Hammer and Magic Helmet” song.
Largest Heal Cast: 8785350
- Conclusion: Apparently, I’m not the only one with this very specific heal on their stats page. Wish I could say it was a crit on HM Valithria …
Largest Heal Received: 24693
- Conclusion: Wow … hrm …. That’s not very much at all is it? So the only logical conclusions are: a) I don’t take damage enough to need big heals (/ego) … or b) I get no healing love from paladins (/jerks) … or c) Healing Wave is underpowered, wtb buff.
Total healing done: 4,525,532,229
- On my disc priest: 427,701,579 / On my holy pally: 366,923,790
- Conclusion: I spend more time inside instances than I care to admit. But then, you don’t get to be a pro footballer by sitting on your arse all day. (Just a fun info tidbit: it would take about 515 of my “Largest Heal Cast” to get to this number, yowza!)
Critters Killed: 16052
- Conclusion: One moment, I think that’s PETA knocking on my door …
Total deaths in 5-player dungeons: 9
- Conclusion: Clearly I am pro. Or I simply don’t run dungeons. Hrm, I like that first option better.
Deaths from falling: 48
- Conclusion: Seriously? Somehow, my RL clutziness found a way to translate into the virtual world. Yes, I might have forgotten my Tears a few times, but what’s next? Spilling my Flask of the Frost Wyrm down the front of my shirt?
Deaths in Icecrown Citadel: 518
- Conclusion: Having the graveyard right outside was an excellent idea, and frankly I’m shocked that this isn’t closer to 1000. Never have I been so familiar with a run back; I’ve done it so many times on 3 different toons that I can set myself to autofly from the graveyard to the instance portal while being alt-tabbed.
Raised as a Ghoul: 1
- Conclusion: Clearly, I need to befriend more DKs. Although it’s worth noting that the one time I was blessed with the chance to dps (yes, I remember it specifically) as a minion, I stood there for about 15 seconds before realizing that I had even been raised. Then, I proceeded to run and leap about the room, without doing a single bit of damage. I think that might have colored peoples’ impressions of my ghoul-playing skills. Just slightly.
Where is the Statistic for “Number of times Ankhed”? I need some metric to help me evaluate if Improved Reincarnation is worth the talent points!
Dungeons and Raids
Lich King 25-player bosses killed: 652
- Conclusion: This is what a whole xpac without a break looks like (and arguably, I wasn’t on a top-tier team the entire time either!) Looks like I might need to brush up on my “I’m not addicted to WoW” arguments.
Mr. Bigglesworth kills: 1
- Conclusion: I swear it was an accident, I thought I was targeting a rat! Damn it, that must be PETA at the door again …
Victories over Lich King Heroic: 1
- Conclusion: Hard boss is bloody %$&**@ hard.
Professions learned: 2
- Conclusion: Jeez, for someone who professes to love knowledge, I’m surprisingly close-minded when it comes to picking up new skills. Although I do envy Engineers their speedy little rocket boots, being an Alchemist, while denying me an epic Alchemy trinket, has saved me a boatload of gold with double flask duration.
Cooking daily quests completed: 8
- Conclusion: /snarky comment about women and kitchens …. /flee
Fishing Skill: 352
- Conclusion: Fishing stinks, and I staunchly refuse to level it with any sort of dedication on a third toon unless it provides me some raiding benefit. So when there is absolutely nothing else to do, I will fish. And that means I would rather roll Alliance and get horribly lost in Stormwind (and then get so frustrated that I would rather delete my toon than consult a map) than sit on my arse in front of a puddle waiting for the –splish splash– bobber sound.
Number of hugs: 259 / Number of waves: 109
- Conclusion: Apparently, I prefer the creepy route of saying hello. Did I mention my van with candy is right over yonder?
Highest 2v2 rating: 1516
- Conclusion: I stink at PVP. Or I hate it. Or both. And I can assure you that in the history of PVP, this was the hardest fought, most agonizing 1500 rating ever achieved. To me, it seemed like 2400. I paired up with a friend, who was sympathetic about my need for the PVP LHW trinket, and who, by the end of it, wanted to push me off a cliff after kicking me somewhere painful, setting my PC on fire, and deleting all my toons. Thankfully, my assurances that I would never ask him to PVP with me again meant that I didn’t lose a comrade (and my characters) permanently.
Battlegrounds played: 77 / Battlegrounds won: 48
- Conclusion: I’m a winner! No really, this doesn’t make sense at all. I don’t fight at the flag, I healbot HK farm in mid, I go snag bases by being sneaky, and although I don’t cave AFK, I generally have a habit of charging into the opposing faction with no resilience whatsoever, just to see how far I can get until I turn into roadkill.
Duels won: 5 / Duels lost: 4
- Conclusion: I’m a pacifist? I’m fairly confident those 5 I won were against level 20s. (Those 4 I lost were likely also against level 20s.)
So just who am I?
According to all of the information that Blizzard has so lovingly and tediously catalogued, I am a supremely clutzy healing and raiding machine with a very big appetite for strudel and an extreme dislike of PVP. And you know what? I think that describes me to a T. Now if you don’t mind, I think I need to go work on upping that healing done a bit more … Solo heal ICC10 incoming!
Most recent Non-LK-related achievement which would have seemed more epic prior to Tuesday: A Tribute to Immortality
Look at your achievements. Now look at me. I’m on a horse.